i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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