When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
