dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
