I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
