Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
