In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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