ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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