the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
