I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
