so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
