The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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