Got a toothbrush?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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