I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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