New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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