i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
