U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
