bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
