My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
