Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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