So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
