Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
