im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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