lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
