Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
