I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
