so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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