ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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