Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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