My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
There's even glitter on my cock...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
