Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just high enough for therapy.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
