Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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