accomplished twins. life is a go
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
