and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
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