Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
