Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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