somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He did a backflip because drugs
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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