Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
