Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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