The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
