So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
