remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I look better un-naked...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
