bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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