Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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