I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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