I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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