Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
