Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The Olympian is in my bed
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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