Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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