it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
