I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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