thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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