he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
