probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
