Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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