she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
