i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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