These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm always down for nudity.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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