saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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