Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
