I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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