final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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